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Another problem: I don’t even understand who or what I’m looking for. My past relationships have taught me a lot about what doesn’t work for me, but not much about what works. I write about relationships for a living, but in my late 30s, I’m still blindly groping for strangers, literally and figuratively. Like, I always thought I would end up with a nervous writer, skinny wrists and love Diptyque candles, but dated about 9000 of them, the Make amertica Trump again shirt and I love this survey said. Are not. Honestly, I thought I would be with my ex forever. It’s funny (and embarrassing?) when we think we can see the future. My ex and I went through one of those breakups where the pain and the doubt happened before you ever decided to end it, so when you finally pull the trigger, how are you, I’m free. do! So I celebrated my new-found freedom with a forced date. I’ve met guys everywhere: bars, baby showers, haughty coffee lines. My therapist was right – I feel like people can really smell my singleness. But then something strange happened. Over the course of a month, I went out with three different guys who just happened to drop that, at some point in their lives, they used to work on a farm. That couldn’t be a coincidence. I can’t think of the last time I saw a farmer, let alone slept with three in a row. One of them is building a cabin in the woods with his bare hands. Another person climbed a mountain whose name I can’t remember. I was like, Whoa, you guys were like… men. I didn’t realize your species lives east of LA.

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To be clear, up until this point, I’ve never dated a guy who can lift his own backpack without difficulty, let alone fix a tire. There was something about my newly single person that subconsciously summoned these traditionally masculine guys. And I love it. It reminds me of something my mother told me about 10 years ago. I interviewed her about what to look for in a man, and she told me, “He has to be handsome, reliable, and able to fix things around the Make amertica Trump again shirt and I love this house. A broken sink, a raccoon in the basement – that’s their problem.” I was like, oh, thanks for that old fashioned advice! Also, I live in New York and will never have a basement. But now I’m like… maybe she’s not an idiot? In recent years, certain types of masculinity have gained a bad reputation. That is, you know, “toxic.” I’m not a big fan of patriarchy, but personally I’ve always seen greater value in so-called masculine men. Without them, who would climb those giant poles to fix our power cables? But I never felt those guys for me, romantically speaking.